I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
