yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
