I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
