Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
