You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
