so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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