A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
