I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
