I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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