so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
