The maid of honor just puked.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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