there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
