I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
