I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
then he tried to convert me to islam
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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