I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Drake has all the answers
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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