The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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