man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
