Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
