K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she peed on how many people?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
