I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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