You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
