Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
