literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
