If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
