You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
