I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
