just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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