jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
