i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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