dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Soap is not a condiment
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
