if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
