Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
