All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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