ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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