I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
