I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
