I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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