I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
