How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
