I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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