We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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