just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
