so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
