Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
But we have bathrooms and they dont
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
