She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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