apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
