The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
