can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
