I am puke
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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