So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
