Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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