apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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