He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
